


Sopranos misc. writings and stuff

by ketricide



Category: The Sopranos
Genre: Gen, Meta
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-26
Updated: 2016-05-25
Packaged: 2018-05-29 07:44:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6365350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ketricide/pseuds/ketricide
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is not fanfic.  It's just thoughts and essays about the show.  Sorry - I don't have a blog!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is one of those meme type questionnaire things. If you read this I'd love to hear your answers!

**Favorite character:** I’m not at all good at picking favorites, but I guess I’ll go with Tony.

The great thing about the Sopranos is that I love so many characters, at so many different times, and in so many different ways.  There are even times when I love Janice.  But I think I’d have a hard time staying interested in the show if he weren’t in it, and I don’t know that I could say that about any other character, so maybe that makes him my favorite.  Plus, if Tony wasn’t my favorite, then how could I even be that into the show, since he’s the main character and the show is primarily about him?

 

**Least favorite character:**  Jennifer Melfi

I understand why the show needed her - she’s our ticket into Tony’s inner world, but beyond that I felt like the show didn’t really know what to do with her.  Giver her her own storylines?  Keep her pretty much a cipher?  They brought up the alcoholism in S2 (as sort of a stand-in or corollary for her addiction to Tony), but then dropped it completely.  It’s like they gave her character too much and not enough at the same time.  But I was never very interested in watching her scenes without Tony, so that’s why she’s the least favorite.  There were certainly other characters who I found infuriating (Janice, AJ, Ritchie, the list goes on and on), but I still enjoyed watching them.  Melfi I was just bored by.

 

**Favorite couple:**  I guess I’m forced to go with Bobby and Karen Baccalieri, even though we only see them together in the same scene for about two seconds

Almost all the couples in this show are so riddled with dysfunction and adultery that it’s really hard to choose.  My runner up would probably be John and Ginny Sacrimoni, because John apparently doesn’t cheat on Ginny and loves her just the way she is, but they’re disqualified because of John’s bad temper with her (he yells at her on quite a few occasions over pretty trivial stuff, and though I’m not sure how much this bothers/frightens her, I still don’t think it’s healthy) and because I think John actually fetishizes her weight, which I also don’t think is healthy.

Bobby seems to genuinely love Karen (though we hear almost nothing of her until after she’s already dead, so it’s kind of hard to tell), and he apparently doesn’t cheat on her either.  And though we don’t really see Karen and Bobby together, I think we see enough of Bobby to know that he probably was a pretty decent husband to her.

On the other hand, if by favorite we mean couple I enjoy watching the most, I guess I’d have to say Tony and Carm just based on their hateful, angry fights alone.  Their dynamic is so layered and well written and fascinating, and I have so many thoughts about them as a couple.  They’re so fun to analyze.

 

**Least favorite couple:** Probably Chris and Ade 

I mean, don’t get me wrong, Tony and Carm personify dysfunction, but at least he’s never physically abusive with her.  Chris beats Ade (several times), cheats on her, has her murdered, encourages her to use drugs, etc.  And Ade isn’t exactly a great girlfriend either.  When Chris is in recovery she continues to drink right in front of him despite the fact that he asks her not to on several occasions.  Also she rats him out, but that might be more a function of her being dumb and easily manipulated.

If we’re talking couple I least enjoy watching, it might be Furio and Carm (not that they’re exactly a real couple), because I always found Furio’s interest in Carm to be fairly inexplicable.  Or maybe Vito and Johnny Cakes.  Maybe it was the actors, or maybe it was supposed to be this way, but all their intimate interactions seemed awkward and kind of forced.  I know Vito is kind of a weird, creepy guy, but it just seemed off.

 

**Who would you hang out with?**  Probably Ro.

If I was a man I might say Tony, because it seems like he can be fun when he’s in a good mood.  But he’s a complete misogynist, so as a woman I’d have to stay way clear.  Ro seems like a nice person (as Sopranos characters go).  She says some hilarious shit, and she seems to genuinely care about her friends.  Sometimes she can seem like a bit of a simpleton, but then she can say something that shows amazing depth (like when she immediatly realized that part of Ange had wished Pussy had died when he was gone after season 1, and Carm just stared like this had never ever occurred to her before).  Ro seems to understand and accept the complexities and conflicting emotions of being a mob wife in a way that Carm never grasps, and she just sort of rolls with it.  I like that.

 

**Who would you date?** This show is littered with undateable men, but if I had to pick one I guess I’d go with Agent Harris.

There really aren’t any guys on the show who are really my type - either as far as looks or personality goes.  And as much as I am a little attracted to bad boys, it’s more too smart for their own good smartass bad boys, not thugs who threaten to beat you up if you don’t give them what they want bad boys.  So really all the mob guys are out.  Plus I feel like they all have a shitty view of women, and I couldn’t deal with that.  Plus I wouldn’t want to date someone who could easily get shot or have to go to prison at any time.

So by default that kind of leaves the FBI guys and a few other straggling minor characters (not that the FBI guys aren’t minor characters).  Most of the FBI guys we see are kind of assholes, but at least they have real professional jobs.  And even though these FBI guys never seem to accomplish much, you do have to be smart and in good shape to get into the FBI Academy.  It’s actually pretty difficult.  And we see a few clues that indicate that Harris might have gotten in straight out of college, which is even more difficult (In S6E17 Agent Harris tells Tony that he does not like Phil Leotardo because he, Phil, set up a female rookie agent with whom Harris was acquainted/working to be beaten and raped during the time that Harris was himself a rookie agent.  So, let’s do the math.  Harris probably graduated college around 22 years old.  Even if he was accepted directly into the FBI Academy from college, that puts him at 24 years old for his first assignment.  Phil was in prison for (around?) 20 years (Phil says he did 20 years).  So that would make Harris at least 45 if this story is true, which is 3 or 4 years older than the actual actor.  I’m assuming that this rape/beating thing was something that Phil arranged before going to prison.)  Plus he seems like the nicest one, so he’s my pick.

Now there is the issue that he cheated on his wife, which is unacceptable no matter the situation (even if, say, she cheated on him while he was in Pakistan).  And he is bald, which is not my thing (though I found a picture of him when he was young with hair, and he was actually really good looking - like, my type).  But he’s still the best of a lot of shitty options in my opinion.

 

**Unpopular opinion:**  Adrianna is not sweet and innocent.

I don’t know why people always seem to categorize Adrianna as ‘good’ and ‘innocent’ - one of the few characters on the show to exemplify these traits.  There are many instances of her being kind of awful.  In season one she shit talks Carmela (her supposed friend) behind her back - making fun of her for doing nothing with her life other than popping out babies and trying to exercise her stretch marks away and for (supposedly) not knowing or not being able to acknowledge where the money comes from.  

As far back as season one she’s completely aware of Christopher’s criminal activities (pointing out that some laptops are stolen), but she clearly isn’t bothered by it.  She clearly knows he’s in the mafia (openly discussing with him his making ceremony on two or three occasions), but is always happy to receive expensive gifts from him (shoes, a diamond bracelet, a night club to run, a car).  She likes that Chris is advancing up the ranks of the Mafia because of all the great swag they’re now getting.  She’s also happy to hear Christopher’s opinion that Carmela won’t be the queen bee forever.  

In season two she is clearly happy and impressed to see Chrissy successfully intimidate a group of people into leaving a nightclub (D-Girl).  Adrianna is a regular drug user, and whatever your opinions are on that, it is at least clearly illegal.  She’s had an abortion, which she claims to think is wrong (independent of what anyone else thinks of it - she thinks it is wrong), but she did it anyway.  She snitches on Christopher - and it’s not because she’s decided it’s the lawful, moral thing to do.  It’s just to save her own skin.  She rats out one of her supposed closest friends (her maid of honor) to the Feds because she’s pissed that said friend was flirting with Christopher.  She lets drug dealers hang out in her club even though Chris has expressly forbidden it.  I’m not sure if this is because she likes getting free drugs from him or what.  Maybe she is trying to be nice and not get him beaten up by Christopher, but the obvious solution is just to tell him to leave because Chris could pop up at any moment and be angry to see him there.  

I honestly don’t see how she is more ‘good’ or more ‘innocent’ than Carmela (or Ro or Angie or Gab or any of the other mob women), but people seem to think Adrianna is an angel and Carmela is horrible.  Carmela doesn’t do drugs.  She hasn’t had an abortion (granted that we know of, but I really can’t imagine it).  I don’t think we ever see her shit talking anyone behind their backs.  She doesn’t rat on anyone (though on one isolated occasion she does suggest that Tony go the witness protection route).  The only bad thing Carm does that Adrianna doesn’t is cheat on Tony (or at least try to), but Carm’s had way more provocation than Ade in that department.

I guess the reason people think Ade is a good girl is because she’s so desperate for love - especially from Chrissy.  But that doesn’t in any way make her a good or nice person.  It just makes her a person who is desperate to be loved.  I’m not saying she never does a nice thing in the entire run of the show.  But almost all the characters on occasion do nice things.  Ade is just not a consistently good or nice person - no more so than plenty of other characters (though certainly nicer than some).  Add to that the fact that she’s really not very bright (she never seems to put 2 and 2 together and realize that since ‘Danielle’ is actually a Fed, there’s very little chance that she was trying to hit on Christopher, and it was in fact Christopher who was trying to initiate a threesome with Ade and Dani, and so maybe Chissy is a scummy piece of shit that Ade shouldn’t bother protecting) and there really isn’t that much to like (other than the fact that she’s hot).

 

**Worst storyline:** Either the Furio/Carm thing or the FBI’s investigation involving Ade or maybe Vito and the gay thing

My main problem with the Furio/Carm storyline is, as I’ve said, Furio’s interest in Carm.  Now Carm gets a crush on pretty much every guy who gives her the time of day, so that I can believe.  But why would Furio be into her?  He says he wants a woman he can communicate with, but whenever he tries to have a deep conversation with Carm, so just stands there and says something inane to try and preserve the propriety of the situation I guess.  She’s very impressed with his deep thoughts, but I don’t know how Furio would really know this.  We never see her saying much of anything to him other than talk of real estate and decorating.  Maybe they wanted him to have an interest in her to try and up the ante - show the audience that Carm actually had a chance at happiness before they dash it away, as opposed to just showing her having an unrequited crush that never would have gone anywhere anyway.

As for Ade the informant, I think I read somewhere that of all the FBI investigations on the show, this is the least realistic.  The FBI certainly does seem to put a lot of effort into an operation that seems unlikely to bear much fruit.  Not that I didn’t enjoy watching this storyline.

And a lot of the Vito storyline seemed forced and thrown together.  I think they decided to expand S6 at the last minute and then just had to come up with some filler material, and that’s what a lot of the Vito storyline felt like.


	2. Tony and Carm p1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this about a year ago, probably after watching the Whitecaps fight scene or something similar. Carmela and Tony each claim to know each other very well, and it got me thinking about how they perceive each other and whether their perceptions are correct and, if so, to what extent.

**The way Tony perceives Carmela:** He very clearly sees her as primarily motivated by his money. And she is partly responsible for this perception and plays into it (always offering sex after a gift is given, constantly harping on their financial situation, demanding a down payment for her spec house as her price for taking him back). But he accuses her of ‘equating love with money (direct quote from somewhere)’ constantly, of wanting to spend all his money (first season and during their Whitecaps fight), and with being only concerned with money.

I think part of her interest in his money is a way of getting attention from him and getting revenge for all the cheating. And I think part of her harping on the financial planning is the very realistic knowledge that he will probably end up murdered or in prison. But I also think there is a very real part of her that is greedy and selfish. Little Carmine’s wife encouraged him to step back from the Mafia because she doesn’t want to end up a widow (even if she’s a rich widow). Melfi rejects Tony because she finds him morally repugnant. Carmela does neither of these things. So I think Tony’s assessment of her character is not without some merit.

Of course, we never see what would have happened if she’d married Jimmy Toofi with his father’s snow plow business, or if Tony had left the Mafia and become a patio furniture salesman. Would a poor but faithful husband have satisfied her? We don’t really know, but I would tentatively say no.

And that’s because it’s not only the money that she’s into, but also the power. Tony mentions this once, tangentially, when he reminisces about how attracted she was to him after he beat some guy up in high school. And she doesn’t deny it. He also says to her that he doesn’t want her to see him looking weak when he has food poisoning. So I think he realizes that it’s the status she’s attracted to as well as the money.

And that’s why I don’t think she would have been happy with someone else. She was clearly very attracted to this type of man from an early age. And she did marry the man she wanted to be with. That doesn’t mean that she has no right to wish for marital fidelity or that she doesn’t love Tony in some way. But I think it does mean that Tony’s perception of her isn’t completely off base.

 **Carmela’s perception of Tony:** This is much harder because I think Carmela deludes herself more that Tony. She often says that Tony is basically a good man. But then she’ll turn around and say that he’s a criminal who cheats on her all the time. She’ll say that the money isn’t what she really wants. But then she always has her hand out. She’ll say he’s a good father. But then she’ll get mad at him for ignoring the kids. So it’s hard to see what she really thinks of him.

It’s also hard to see why she stays with him. Is it because she’s successfully deluded herself into thinking all the good things about him, and so he deserves more chances? Or is it because, despite the fact that she sees all the bad things, she doesn’t really care and only is concerned with the money and status?

Tony clearly thinks that the money and status should be adequate compensation for the cheating, and that she should shut the fuck up. But what does she want? The easy answer is that she wants fidelity and money and status. But years of experience should be enough to tell her that’s never going to happen. And for most of the show, her actions speak that the money and status is adequate compensation, because she stays with him and even goes back to him despite the fact that he keeps cheating (and giving her money to make up for it).

But I’ve gotten off track. Carmela says she knows him better than anyone – even his friends. So who is Tony? He’s extremely selfish. He almost never does anything unless there’s something in it for himself – even if it’s just to make him feel like less of a bad person (which is something he accuses his mother of). He’s weak. He knows he’s unhappy but is unwilling to really put the effort into doing anything about it, and so he just stays comfortably miserable instead of taking a risk to better his situation. He’s ill-tempered and impulsive and often does things in anger or because he just wants to which end up costing him in the long run. He’s actually kind of lazy about his convictions. While the other guys get riled up over Columbus Day and homosexuality, Tony basically can’t bring himself to care much since it has no direct bearing on him. You almost wonder if his laziness could be his saving grace. Like maybe if he was in a more nurturing situation, he would be too lazy to be an asshole and would instead just go with the flow.

But what of these things does Carmela realize, since she knows him so well? I would say not many since she spends so much of her time thinking about her situation and what she wants. She knows he’s depressed and unhappy, and maybe he hides that from his friends a little more successfully. But I don’t think she knows why he’s unhappy. And I think maybe she thinks his unhappiness is just an act to get sympathy from her so she’s stop being pissed that he’s an asshole. I don’t think she understands that his unhappiness stems from the fact that he’s so mired in his selfishness and toxic lifestyle. She does say that maybe his depression stems from his cheating, but I don’t think that’s the half of it, and I think that’s a pretty selfish observation on her part.

I don’t think she realizes that he’s constantly looking for love and acceptance, but he can never get love because he’s an asshole and because he’s surrounded himself with selfish people.

I think basically what she means is that she sees beneath the charm and the charisma that he presents to the world to the anger and depression (she brings this up several times – that she thought she was getting the fun guy, when in reality he’s cranky and mean), and while that is true, I think it’s also pretty superficial. But Carmela’s never struck me as being especially intelligent or sophisticated. And I think most people see that he’s a miserable fuck anyway, so I don’t think her insight is especially unique.

I think Carmela’s problem is that she fell in love with an image that she allowed herself to see. She wanted the ‘fun guy’ and the ‘tough guy’ and the ‘sweet husband’ and the ‘glamorous mobster’, and she’s angry with Tony and with herself that she got none of these things. Tony is not fun – he’s angry and miserable. Tony is not tough – he’s too weak to break away from circumstances that make him unhappy. Tony is not sweet – he will occasionally make schmaltzy, sentimental romantic gestures, but underneath he’s completely selfish and self-centered and doesn’t really care about anyone else (hence a lot of his misery – feeling alone and isolated). And Tony’s not even glamorous, because the mob just isn’t, and being cheated on constantly isn’t that fun. I think this is what Carmela means when she says she knows him, but I think most people around him know him too. They just don’t care because they either don’t have to deal with him as extensively as Carmela or they weren’t really expecting anything else.


	3. Tony's (extramarital) sex life

I read on a blog somewhere where someone had added up all the time Tony cheated on Carm and all the times Don Draper from Mad Men cheated on his wife. And they concluded that Don cheated more. I’ve never watched Mad Men, so I can’t comment on the accuracy of that list, but I thought Tony’s list was definitely missing a few. So I decided to rewatch the whole show (the things I do for fandom) and make a correct and complete list of all of Tony’s cheats. So here they are.

#1 – Irina – She is Tony’s mentally unstable official goomah for the majority of the first two seasons. They have definite onscreen sex many times. She is played by a different woman in the pilot (I’m about 99% sure that’s supposed to be Irina and not just some other chic) who seems more stereotypically Russian, but maybe they wanted a dark haired girl to be more Livia-like. She is the first woman who Melfi identifies as being a Livia stand-in for Tony.

#2 – Connie from Barone Sanitation (S2E11) – They have definite onscreen sex, but it seems like a one-off thing. Maybe Tony couldn’t really get into her (not literally though) because she’s blond and he likes the dark haired types. Maybe he was just into the conquest thing because she was a supposed born again Christian and thus supposedly unavailable. I don’t think we see her ever again.

#3 – Random stripper at the Bing (S3E06) – Blow job interruptus. Tony gets an interrupted blow job from a random stripper in a back room of the Bing. He doesn’t finish, owing to Ralphie’s confrontation with Georgie, but his dick was in her mouth, so I still feel it counts as cheat #3. Even though we don’t see every random blowjob from every random stripper or hooker, I feel like he’s probably getting them all the time, so three is such a lowball estimate at this point.

#4 – Gloria – Gloria is Tony’s very crazy pants girlfriend for the back half of S3 and the second official Livia stand-in. They have definite onscreen sex, including some weird Tantric thing in the reptile house at the zoo, but no actual nudity from Gloria. I guess the actress didn’t want to get naked for the show.

#5 – Miss Reykjavik (that’s how she’s credited – no name – S4E06 & S4E08) – There’s never any onscreen sex, but we see them together several times (including in bed), and we know she’s not just there to play checkers. Maybe they had already had sex and were just having some post coital flirting (which does seem to be in character for Tony, since we see him doing this with Gloria and Irina). Maybe they hadn’t done it yet, and were interrupted by Artie’s call (which seems a little less in character for Tony – he usually seems to like to get to the business – or at least that’s the way David Chase chooses to show it). Either way I’m giving this an official cheat #5 because we see them together again having dinner two episodes later. There’s no way Tony would keep hanging out with her if no sex was involved. She’s blond though, so she doesn’t last, and she is not a Livia stand-in.

#6 – Valentina – Here’s a girl with dark hair who may or may not be a Livia stand-in. She kind of acts like one, but it’s never really addressed, and Tony seems much more dismissive with her. Maybe with Melfi’s help he’s getting over his Oedipal Complex. Either way, she’s his goomah for half of S4 and most of S5, despite the fact that he seems to tire of her quite quickly. Oh, and PS, this chic’s fingernail cost Tony 40 grand – from the bird feeder.

#7 – Svetlana (S4E10) – The anti-Livia. Tony wants her, and does get to fuck her once (not exactly onscreen, but they both totally acknowledge that it happened), but after that she is so done with propping up his high maintenance ass. Maybe this kind of woman would be good for Tony, but he could so never get her.

## – Dermatology Nurse (S5E10) – We see her leaving Tony’s house in the morning, and Paulie seems to know of her, so I guess she’s sort of his secondary goomah now – I’m sure she wasn’t just there to play checkers. Anyway, this isn’t a real cheat since he and Carm are separated.

## – Asian escort (S5E11) – I feel like this is another instance, like Connie maybe, of Tony just fucking someone because he’s bored and can’t think of anything else to occupy his time. We don’t actually see anything happen, and it’s not a real cheat anyway since Tony and Carm are separated, but we can probably assume something happened.

#8 – blond draggy looking stripper (S6E11) – We see him popping his load behind the wheel, with cum all over the sun visor (just kidding) as she gives him a blowjob while he’s driving. Then he pays her. Carm kind of gave him permission to do this in exchange for her Paris trip, but it’s still a cheat. We see Tony hitting on her later, but it’s not shown whether that actually seal the deal for real (probably do though).

#9 – random background girl (S6E12) – We see Tony in what looks like a hotel room or small apartment. He is talking on the phone while a woman maybe gets dressed or makes a drink in the background – she seems to be wearing a bra. So I guess they fucked. And I guess she doesn’t mean much to Tony, because he resumes his pursuit of Julianna in this episode (Should Julianna be a cheat? They did make out in S6E8).

#10 – blond hooker(?) in Miami (S6E15) – They fuck. It’s purely recreational. Is Beansie running a prostitution ring down there? He’s always got lots of chicks with him who are always down to fuck his visitors from Jersey.

#11 – Chrissy’s Vegas stripper/hooker (S6E18) – They fuck and then do drugs. Tony seems really into Chrissy’s sloppy seconds. And why does this chick sleep with Tony? Is she a hooker too? Or is she attracted to the mob boss thing? She can’t possibly find Tony physically attractive (You’re so fat!).

I’m also going to award Melfi an honorable mention cheat – Tony totally wants her, dreams and fantasizes about fucking her, makes several (unsuccessful) passes at her, tells her several times he’s in love with her. And the kicker is that Carm is jealous, jealous in a way she often isn’t with his random hookers and strippers, so I think that pretty much makes it a cheat.

Also, when they’re fighting in Whitecaps (S4E13), Carm mentions two other past girlfriends – the weight lifter and the preschool assistant. Tony does not dispute this. I don’t know how they should get counted.

I think Don Draper only had like 8 cheats, so yeah, Tony’s def a bigger cheater.

If you read this, let me know what you think of Tony’s compulsive sexual habits. Does Tony even enjoy all the sex he gets? I ask because of some observations I made while watching The Test Dream (S5E11)

This episode starts out with Tony banging Valentina, slightly below the camera’s line of sight. He is on top, and climbs off as soon as he’s done, putting on his boxers and going into the bathroom to pee or something. He says later to Tony B that he was intending to break up with her that very night, so one wonders what the point of the sex was. Was it for his benefit because he wanted to get laid even though Valentina is supposedly a constant pain in his ass and he was about to dump her? I mean, he could have just gotten a hooker or stripper or any number of other willing random women. It didn’t have to be the annoying Valentina. Was it for her benefit because she likes it and he thought (for whatever fucked up reason) that it would soften the blow of the breakup? Maybe having sex with her is easier than engaging in needy, boring conversation with her? Tony is so selfish, yet he seems to do a lot of unnecessary things that inconvenience and annoy him (I guess because he judges it to be ‘the right’ thing to do). I mean, why doesn’t he just jerk off by himself if every single woman he knows is such a complete pain in his ass? Is it because he needs to be a ‘man’ for the other guys, and real men go around fucking lots of women?

Tony really does not seem to enjoy the vast amount of the sex that he has. He liked fucking Valentina the first time, but maybe not really that many times after that. I don’t even know if he really ever wanted to date her. He told her he didn’t want to be where Ralph had already been and he didn’t want to steal her after having already stolen Ralphie’s horse, but it seems kind of like he wasn’t even that interested and halfway just gave in because she was so insistent.

He seemed to like fucking Gloria for a lot of the times they were together, but that wasn’t very long. He liked Svetlana, but that was only once. He never seemed to like Irina, but they had already been together for a year or so when the show started, so I guess he was bored by then. He seems a little disinterested in the dermatology nurse when she leaves. He never really seems that into Carm (except when he is being grateful that she’s not a big fattie like Ginny, and when he’s seducing her to maybe prove that he could get her back if he really wanted). All the other sex is one off sex, and he seems to like that the best (Connie, etc.…). I think Tony likes the conquest and the physicality, but doesn’t want to be bothered with a real person – he just likes easy undemanding sex.

On the other hand, the other (theoretical) sex in this episode is between him and an Asian escort that he seems to have called because he’s just so extremely bored and can think of nothing else to do to entertain himself. (I feel that way in hotels rooms a lot of the time too.) He didn’t seem that into her, but maybe he got more into it offscreen.


	4. Carmela and her Guilt

So here are my thoughts on Carmela and her supposed guilty Catholic conscience.  At first I thought she was torn between wanting to be a good person - a good Catholic - and wanting the money and power and material comfort associated with being Tony's wife.  This is how she seems to frame her struggle and present it to others.

But then I realized that her bouts of guilty conscience never followed any of Tony's criminal activity.  In fact, she loves it when Tony gives her gifts bought with what she certainly realizes are his ill-gotten gains.    And she was particularly passionate with him after he came home from killing Matthew Bevilaqua in revenge for Matthew and Sean shooting Christopher (S2E9).  Granted she didn't know for sure what he had just done, but I think she had a pretty good idea.

No, her guilt most often follows on the heels of her being forced to face up to Tony's marital infidelities.  She makes a big confession to Father Phil after learning that Dr. Melfi is actually a woman (S1E5).  She has her spiritual crisis while Chrissy is in the hospital after her discussion with Gab about some other guy's goomah giving birth to his illegitimate child - and being forced to think on the fact that Tony also has a goomah (S2E9).  In Second Opinion (S3E7) the thing that really breaks her down while talking to Dr. Krakower is the fact that her husband is constantly unfaithful to her, betraying her every day with whores.

Her melt down in Amour Fou (S3E12) doesn’t seem to be directly tied to cheating, but I don’t think it’s really about guilt either.  She loves the big ring Tony gives her in S3E9.  It isn’t until Gloria shames her for being nothing but a housewife dependent on a man that her opinion of the ring starts to sour and she begins to feel embarrassed by wearing it.  Before that we never saw her bellyaching over how Tony had paid for that ring.  And what inspires her to see the priest is mainly her health issues which turn out to be a thyroid problem.  It doesn't seem that she has any qualms about Tony's crimes or gifts until she starts experiencing some odd physical symptoms which lead her to believe she might be ill. 

So I had a thought that maybe her guilt isn't true remorse about her and Tony's sins, but just a way of making herself feel less petty and more vindicated when she complains to herself and to others about his cheating.  Because deep down she does know what she signed up for, and that she has no right or reason to expect fidelity, but if she makes a bigger deal about some of Tony's other moral failings, she feels she has more of a leg to stand on, and people will sympathize with her more and think better of her for her high morals and willingness to sacrifice comfort for goodness (or at least contemplate it).

Also, her admissions that Tony is involved in organized crime (to Father Phil and to the psychiatrist, Dr. Kakower) also seem like they are intentional betrayals on her part – to get back at him for the way he betrays her with his ‘whores’.  Just like the way she tells Victor Musto (the wall paper guy) that she would have cheated on Tony with him if he’d shown up that day (S2E12).  That was her small way of getting revenge on Tony, though Tony would never actually know about it.  She had successfully cheated on him in her mind and betrayed him to another man (she does a similar thing when she tells Tony about her infatuation with Furio in Whitecaps).

I think that if Tony never cheated on her, she would never really have any guilt problems over what he does for a living.  There is only one time – right after his unsuccessful assassination attempt – that she ever suggests him giving up his life of crime (when Agent Harris visits Tony in the hospital and suggests witness protection to him).  And that seemed to stem more from her fear of being without the protection and provision of a husband as opposed to any moral problem.  Other than that she never asks him to give up his mafia career.  But she constantly harps on him about the cheating.

And the only cure for the cheating (other than him actually stopping that is), is for him to give her money – money earned by his criminal endeavors (we see this when they reconcile after their separation).  It’s not his crimes that she has finally made peace with – it’s the fact that he will never be faithful to her.  After this, she has no more attacks of guilt, even though, if it was truly the crime she has a problem with, she should feel more guilty, since her building project directly depended on Tony intimidating the building inspector, and the house she built wasn’t built to code, which is of course illegal and potentially dangerous to the people living in it.

I know not all of this may be directly in Carmella’s conscious awareness, but I think it’s a more accurate description of her character.  Plus, she entirely lacks Tony’s charm, charisma and humor, and that is why I find her unappealing as a person.  But she was certainly a good character for the show.


	5. Tony’s (marital) sex life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony’s (marital) sex life – or lack thereof (since I think David Chase mentioned somewhere that he wishes that he’d been more explicit about the sexual shortcomings of the Soprano marriage)

We only actually see Tony and Carm having sex (or getting ready to have sex, or engaged in some sort of sexual activity) seven times, which is not a lot, given the vast multitude of times we’ve seen Tony fucking other women.

So to start things off, here’s the list:

S2E09 – From Where to Eternity – This is Tony and Carm’s first on screen sex scene, over half way through season 2.  I hadn’t realized before doing this sex rewatch that this is the first time we actually see them together this way.  It’s inspired on Carm’s part, seemingly, by her understanding that her mobster husband is out doing some tough guy mobster shit.  We the audience know that Tony left to go kill Matthew Bevilaqua after receiving an ‘urgent’ phone call from Pussy, but it’s pretty clear Carm also knows something’s up – maybe something in connection with Christopher’s being shot.  She had also witnesses Tony having a heartwarmingly fatherly heart to heart with AJ right before handing him the phone.  But really it seems to be more him leaving in a hurry to take care of something with Pussy that makes her eyes light up and the wheels in her head start spinning.

Now, I should mention that previous to all this Carm had been very upset after learning from Gab that some mutual acquaintance’s goomah had just given birth to this man’s illegitimate child.  This upsets Carm because it reminds her that Tony has a goomah, and cheats on her all the time, and could be out fathering an entire army of humiliatingly illegitimate children at any given hour of the day or night.  So since she knows she can’t get Tony to stop cheating, she tells him that she at least wants him to get a vasectomy.  Acrimony ensues.

Which brings us to the final scene of the episode.  Tony returns home from his vengeful murdering, he and Carm tentatively feel each other out to figure out what their status is, Carm crawls over to where Tony is sitting on the edge of the bed and starts caressing him in a kid of gropy way (was that meant to look half way like she’s mauling him or is Edie Falco just kind of awkward in her big fake nails?), Tony (reluctantly?) agrees to the snippy-snip, and then Carm starts in on how she doesn’t really want that – she just wants him to be true and to be hers and to not cheat.  Tony just kind of rolls his eyes and is all, ‘sure – I am yours – no more cheating – whatever you say’.  And Carm is all, ‘don’t lie to me’.  And then Tony’s all, ‘well then what do you want?’  All then Carm is all over him – kissing him, pushing him down on his back, girl on top sex – the whole nine yards.

It’s hard for me to get a good read on how into all of this Tony really is.  He certainly seems put off by all her crazy talk about fidelity and maybe having another kid.  He let’s her take the lead, but I’m not sure if that’s indifference, or him just being into girl on top (we see him having girl on top sex a lot, so maybe he really likes it).  He does kiss Carm back and all, but not with nearly the fervor or aggressiveness she shows.  I think we’ve seen him show more enthusiasm in other sexual encounters (usually with other people).

S2E13 – Funhouse – Tony’s having a good week so he buys Carm a (hideous) fur coat.  She goes from completely ignoring him to beyond delighted in about 0.3 seconds.  She also asks him what he’s done (Cheated on her? Robbed a bank?  I’m not real sure what she’s going for here).  She reaches for the coat, but he won’t give it to her.  What he apparently wants is for her to get naked and come to bed wearing nothing but the coat.  And Carm seems to immediately understand this, so maybe this is somewhat of a gift giving ritual for them?  Tony seems turned on by the idea of it anyway.

So Carm comes out of the bathroom wearing nothing but a smile and her new ugly ass coat, and they start making out on the bed, Carm on top eagerly helping Tony out of his pants.  I must say, based on these first two sex scenes, Carm seems really into Tony, at least in a sexual way.  And this time around Tony seems into it too.

S4E04 – The Weight – Tony and Carm’s third sex scene together!  And it occurs in the episode featuring the infamous Ginny Sac fat joke.  The sex is clearly motivated on Tony’s part by his happiness that Carm is not a big fat whale like Ginny Sac, but is instead socially acceptably thin so he doesn’t have to worry about people making fat jokes about her behind his back.  He buys her roses and a skin tight dress marked ‘small’, which he tells her he knows she can pull off (since she’s not a big fatso like Ginny).  She puts it on, much as she had done with the fur coat, but is unsure about the fit, picking at it critically.  Tony however is really into it, admiring her thinness and kissing and pawing at her, but Carm mostly seems distracted and not into it (because she’s already desperately in love with Furio, who is clearly the man of her dreams who can take her way from all of this and make her happy).  She gets up because she needs to go tell Med to turn off the Furio music she has playing in her room.  Tony enthusiastically undresses while she does so.  They end up having Tony on top sex with Carm still dressed.  For a while she seems into it, but then she seems to remember Furio, and then she just looks sort of sad and distraught.  This is by far the most interested in Carm we have seen Tony act to date (in my opinion, but maybe it’s just the Tony on top sex that’s confusing me).

S5E08 – Marco Polo – Tony at his most seductive.  Tony and Carm are of course separated at this point in the series, but they are briefly reunited this episode during the 75th birthday party of Carm’s shrimpy little dad. After successfully seducing Carm in the pool after the party, they fuck (presumably in bed since they both end up there in the morning, but we don’t actually see any of it).  This is the one scene that makes me think Tony can actually be sexy and sensual as opposed to corny and obnoxious (dumb jokes, clichéd gifts, being a selfish prick).  It’s not the only scene that makes me think Tony is really kinda too good for Carm.

I’m not entirely sure why Tony wants to get with Carm here.  He later tells Melfi that he was turned on by smelling that perfume that Carm wears.  But maybe he just wants to prove to himself and her that he can still get her when he wants.  Either way, he leaves before she wakes up, and it seems Carm might be left wanting him more than he wants her.

S5E12 – Long Term Parking – Tony and Carm reunite after their long separation, so I guess we’re due for some tearfully passionate reunion sex (yeah right).  They do it (or at least start to do it – we don’t get treated to the full conclusion) in the closet.  Carm is hanging up Tony’s shirts and saying that she misses ironing them, and he comes on to her with some lame ass lines about giving her wrist some exercise that she still falls for.  This is their 5th on screen sexy time.  I guess they missed each other?  But maybe Tony is just turned on by the good maid service, which seems to be 90% of the reason he wanted to move back in anyway.  I’m not sure why Carm’s so into it.  She had just been giving him a hateful (or at the very least, disgruntled) look as she did the dishes while he watched TV earlier.

S6E08 – Johnny Cakes – Tony and Carm do it for the first time post Tony’s gunshot wound.  He is on top of her, wearing his wife beater.  She seems to like it, though it looks very unpleasant having big fat Tony on top of her ramming into her – she looks kind of crushed under there.  She is momentarily concerned that Tony might have torn his incision, but he laughs it off, seemingly enjoying himself.  They cuddle a little afterwards, but seeming quite pleased.

But then we find out they just did it while AJ had some random strangers in the house looking to buy his drum set.  I would personally find that very disturbing.

S6E13 – Soprano Home Movies – The last sex we see between Mr. and Mrs. Soprano – Carm gives Tony a birthday blowjob.  Tony seems really into it.  At times watching this I thought he might have been over exaggerating how much he’s enjoying it just to be nice, but upon rewatching it just now I don’t really see any reason to think that.  Still, is Carm that good, or is Tony just really easy to please when it comes to blowjobs?  Or is he just being nice?  I feel like maybe Carrie could write a column on this (yes, I’m also currently rewatching Sex and the City, which incidentally Agent Harris turns up in for a brief appearance in S5).

So after looking through this list, I have to say Tony and Carm do seem to enjoy each other sexually, if sometimes only in a purely physical way.  And I hadn’t even expected to write that.  But taken out of the context of all their arguments and bitterness and resentments, I guess I can see maybe part of what attracted them to each other in the first place.  Their relationship is so dysfunctional in every other area that I guess it had colored my opinion of everything about them and given me the impression that all their sex in unenjoyable.

Now, on the other hand, Tony does cheat on Carm constantly, and this is a constant source of misery and aggravation for her.  And he certainly wouldn’t be doing that if he was already getting everything he wants from Carm.  And there are plenty of times when we see them in bed together rolling away from each other so they won’t even have to look at each other while they’re in bed together.  So taken as a whole, I’d say their relationship is still pretty shitty.

Plus, not nearly everything about these scenes is positive.  Tony seems to prefer(?) paying for sex, even in his marriage, as we see in S2E13 and S4E04 – Tony gives a gift, and then Tony gets laid.  I’m not sure how healthy that dynamic is, for either one of them.  Not to mention in S4E04 Carm is wishing she was with another man.  I still think Carm was turned on in S2E09 by Tony being a criminal, and that can’t be good.  I don’t think the sex in S5E08 was emotionally healthy for either one of them.  I think it’s kind of fucked up that in S5E12 Tony was turned on by putting Carm back into her domestic servant box, especially since Carm clearly wants to expand out of that role.  

Oddly enough their S6 sex seems to be the most free of psychological dysfunction.  But to me, S6 is pretty much a low point of their marriage.  Carm has finally accepted that her husband will never be faithful to her, and I almost get the sense that she’s just biding her time with him - like she knows he’s eventually going to go to prison or get killed, and she’s just trying to bleed off as much money as she can into her own private kick to prepare her for the day when that happens.  She’s finally distanced herself enough from him that his cheating doesn’t bother her so much, but all that means is that she’s that much farther away from a healthy marriage.  But in S6E01, Tony does mention that ‘the bonefish are back in season’, I guess alluding to the fact that their sex life is pretty decent in spite of all of this.  Unless Carm and/or Tony undergo some serious psychological growth I don’t think they’ll ever be able to separate themselves from each other, because currently they seem to be the only ones who can stand each other’s awfulness while still giving the other one an incentive to stick around.

The one other thing I wanted to mention about Tony and Carm’s sex life is the scene in Pax Soprano (S1E06) where Carm is upset over Tony’s inability to get it up for her (either because of the Prozac or because he’s so in love with Melfi that all other women fail to excite him in any way - it’s never really clearly established).  But anyway, I find it interesting that Tony’s lack of sexual interest in her seems to bother her more than his constant cheating.  Maybe it’s because she’s already had so much time to get used to his cheating and build up a tolerance to it?  Or maybe because in the mob world (where Tony tells her she has no right to expect fidelity) cheating is just a part of life that she accepts on some level, but her husband not wanting to fuck her is a whole new level of humiliation that she feels she shouldn’t have to endure?  I just found it interesting.  I feel like a non-mob wife might have a different set of priorities, but I’ve obviously never taken a survey.

Any thoughts, readers?


	6. Chapter 6

# Is Tony a Sociopath?

I’ve seen this question asked a lot, with various people saying he is and he isn’t.  Some say of course he is because he murders people and commits various other crimes and he’s selfish and callous and impulsive and has a bad temper.  Some say he isn’t because underneath it all he can be thoughtful and caring and he had a bad childhood even though, yes, he does sometimes do bad things.

But I don’t think either of those answers really address the question.  I looked up sociopath on Wikipedia, the repository of all human knowledge, and it says that the defining feature [of a sociopath] is [their] violation of social norms.  Now I don’t know that this is necessarily the sole definitive characteristic of a sociopath, but we’ll go with it for now and ask ourselves ‘does Tony violate any social norms?’

But then we have to define social norms.  Do we mean the social norms of American culture at large (of which Tony doesn’t really seem to consider himself to be a part), or do we mean the social norms of the Italian-American mobster subculture into which Tony was born and bred and with which he seems to identify strongly?

I suppose some people would say he lives in this country, so he needs to abide by the general laws and mores of the land.  And then in that case I guess maybe he is a sociopath.  He cheats on his wife with little regard for her feelings in the matter.  He murders or is indirectly involved in the murders of lots of people, often for fairly selfish and/or trivial reasons.  He ruins people’s lives on a regular basis.  He makes all kinds of racist comments.

But I think it makes more sense to judge him by the culture with which he identifies, and by American mob standards he seems to be quite a conformist.  With the exception of seeing Melfi, and maybe killing Ralphie, he doesn’t do anything that violates any mob rules or standards.  In fact, he’s one of the most upstanding mobsters of the show (not to mention that according to Carmine there’s no stigmata to seeing a shrink nowadays anyway, so even that has the mob seal of approval).

He’s not a rat like Big Pussy, Jimmy Alteiri, Ray Curto, Gene Pontacervo, Adriana, and whomever it was who ratted Phil Leotardo’s plans in the NY family.  He ultimately decides not to take part in any boss killing plots (unlike Richie and Johnny Sac who were all ready to go).  Unlike Paulie and Junior, he does the expected family thing and marries and has kids.  Unlike Bobby and Johnny Sac, he does the expected mob thing and has a goomah.  He takes care of his mother even though she tries to murder him because in his culture he needs to be the good son.  Even murder is normal and expected in mob culture.   He certainly wouldn’t have stayed boss long if he had let the likes of Big Pussy, Matthew Bevilaqua and Richie Aprile live (though his sister, who arguably is the true sociopath actually took out Richie for him).  All his professed beliefs and attitudes are in line with those of his culture, even when deep down he doesn’t really believe them that much - he still pays appropriate lip service.

I do think he has some bad character traits, as mentioned earlier.  But none of these traits are really at odds with the mob culture.  The mob revolves around stealing what isn’t theirs, so selfishness fits right in.  And you have to be somewhat callous in order to stomach the requisite murders and shake-downs and beatings.  Even the bad temper might make him come across as more tough and fiersome.  The impulsiveness is really the only trait that ever has any negative impact on his mob life, since it sometimes leads him to make bad decisions (and Junior complains about it).  But all in all, I’d say he’s an exemplary mobster and definitely not a sociopath in that sense.

Now the question remains, if Tony could be convinced to identify himself with some other culture, say a culture in which murder and adultery are considered unacceptable, would he modify his behavior to fit in, or would he just do whatever he feels like, thus potentially confirming him as a sociopath.  I guess we’ll never know, since one of the themes of The Sopranos is that people are perpetually incapable of evolving beyond the cages in which they’ve trapped themselves, thus remaining forever trapped in their own misery inducing circumstances, and so Tony will never leave the life and pursue other choices.  But if he ever did - if he were ever somehow forced into it - would he assimilate?  Personally I think he would, but it’s up for debate.

Now as to whether he’s a good person or not, I guess that depends on which set of moral standards you’re using.  But according to Tony and his standards, he’s a pretty good guy, especially since he isn’t Hitler or Paul Potts.  But I’m personally not convinced.


	7. Chapter 7

#  Why does Tony cheat on Carmela?

For some reason this question just occurred to me for the first time today.  Maybe because it seems like such a no-brainer.  Like, Tony’s a mobster - aren’t they supposed to have goomahs?  Or, Carmela’s such a bitch - who wouldn’t cheat?

I mentioned before when I was discussing Tony and Carm’s sex life that I was surprised to find that when I actually cataloged all their sexual encounters, their sex life seems so good in contrast to how toxic their general relationship is.  So maybe this is what planted the seed for me.

I think I read somewhere that David Chase wishes he’d shown more clearly how lacking Tony and Carm’s sex life is.  But I think it’s better to show that they actually are pretty sexually compatible.  It makes it more interesting than just the trite Madonna/whore dichotomy - Carm is the mother to take care of his kids, and the goomahs are the whores for sex.  But if we accept the idea that Tony and Carm are capable of a pretty satisfying sex life, then we have to ask ‘why does he cheat?’

I think an answer that the show puts forth is that Tony is looking for a woman who will allow him to replicate his relationship with his mother.  His mother is almost always unhappy, always displeased by Tony, seems to enjoy ruining the relationships other people have with each other, and, especially in her youth, seemed to have an easily angered, demanding and melodramatic temperament.  And that does seem to describe Irina, Gloria and Valentina fairly well.  But that doesn’t really answer the question of why he cheats.  Because if that’s all he wanted, he could have just married a woman like that and stayed faithful to her.  Not to mention, Carm isn’t exactly a sweet angel.  She can be demanding and manipulative and rarely seems very happy herself.

But maybe the show would say that Tony somehow had the good sense to marry a, relatively speaking, more stable and supportive woman like Carm, and save his more self destructive craving for a Livia type woman for the side chick.  I guess maybe that would’ve been smart of Tony, but he doesn’t seem to have the kind of self control and insight that would allow him to put together an arrangement like that.

Or maybe the show would say that, in choosing Carm, Tony was making a conscious effort not to repeat the past, but then after a while he just backslid into being attracted to Livia types.  But I don’t think that’s the case either because it took some serious effort on Melfi’s part to get Tony to realize and admit that his mother is not a good person.  If he can’t admit to himself that his mother isn’t the sort of person he should choose as a wife, then why would he make an effort to avoid women like her?

So let’s just write off the explanation that Tony cheats to satisfy his secret craving for an awful, unstable Livia type.  The fact of the matter is anyway, that as a married man looking to cheat, he’s not going to have the most stable, emotionally healthy women available to him.  Because those women wouldn’t have affairs with a married mobster.  So it might not be that he has a secret crazy detector when it comes to mistresses.  Crazy might just be all that’s available.

And given that maybe crazy is all that’s available, and 90% of the time Tony doesn’t even seem to even enjoy being with his goomahs, why does he cheat?

I think it’s pointless to look for flaws in Carmela or their marriage for an answer (though their are many to be found).  Tony makes it clear that he had never intended to be faithful.  He tells Carmela that she knew the deal and that she shouldn’t be surprised that there are women on the side (maybe she knew the deal, and maybe she didn’t - she never really confirms or denies).  But it’s pretty clear that Tony didn’t wait for the sex to turn stale (it still seems okay, and they still seem to find each other attractive), or for him and Carm to drift apart (they still have very similar outlooks on life and are both still entrenched together in a very insular social circle) or for some major life event to pull them apart (no death of a child or enforced long separation).

And so I guess I come to the knee-jerk answer that I had started with - Tony’s a mobster, and it’s just expected.  There are certain social situations in the mobster world where you just don’t bring your wife and where you just need to have a goomah to look normal.  In fact, if you don’t have a goomah like Bobby and possibly Johnny Sac, you risk getting ridiculed behind your back.  

Of course Tony does like the ladies, and he does have poor impulse control, and he is very selfish, but one wonders if that in itself is enough to make him a cheater.  In his Kevin Finnerty fantasy he couldn’t bring himself to cheat.  He was apparently held back by guilt or love of his family or social conditioning - even though his wife didn’t honestly sound like the nicest person ever.  But fortunately (or unfortunately) for Tony, he lives in the mob world, where he’s totally encouraged and validated for giving into his impulses with regards to cheating.

So given that Tony’s cheating seems to possibly be all a function of his social situation and nothing specifically related to Carm or their marriage, one wonders - if Carm had had the good sense to encourage him to leave to mob world, would Tony have cheated on her or remained faithful? Carm claims that all she wants is him and that she doesn’t care about the money (I beg to differ, plus I think she’s attracted to his gangster self), so if that’s the case, did she shoot herself in the foot by encouraging his mobster side (because you know she did - she loves it when he’s a bad boy)?  If she could do it all again, and she could know for a fact that he wouldn’t cheat if he had a regular old boring life with a crappy job, which would she choose?  I think she’d take the money, but that’s maybe another essay. 


End file.
